Tuesday, April 6, 2010

What Broke My Heart

Have you ever been brokenhearted? I know everyone has been there at one time or another. But I wonder has your heart ever exploded in so many jagged tiny pieces that you asked yourself if it was too broken for even God to repair? I would have never imagined that this thought would have entered my mind but not too long ago it did.

I've been through a lot of things in my life, possibly more than most people my age. I was hit my car at age 3 and have spent the last 26 years of my life in a wheelchair. I've undergone many physical challenges and have sat at death's door on numerous occasions. I've had my fair share of people that I have loved pass away and although God has blessed me beyond measure I have to say it’s been a tough road. Despite everything that has happened I have never lost my faith in God. Yes, I've doubted God like every human being I know but in the end I knew God would see me through.

So what happened you ask that I would dare allow my merger mind to question if my broken heart was too broken for God? Well, its may sound very pathetic and even a little silly but I will tell you anyway. The man that I believed with all my heart that I would marry married someone else. No, this wasn't some little girl crush on some guy that I just saw from a distance at a youth rally. This was something I felt with all my heart was the will of God. I had prayed and I had fasted and no one on the face of the earth fit into my life the way he did. If I divulged my entire heart to you and told you the entire story all you would probably say was "Wow!" You would look at me with total agreement that this was "The One". There were those emails, talks on the phone, and other things that just made sense. It was in fact an incredible story with things that after a while could not be called coincidence. It seemed that the hand of God orchestrated this love story. It all appeared logical and even though there were doubts I believed against hope that someday this man and I would grow old together.

Then I got the word of his engagement. It just seemed wrong and I kept reminding God that He had made this promise to me and His word says He can't lie. I prayed and I fasted because I wanted to believe that this was all some big mistake and that at the end of the day I would be standing at that altar with him and not her. I told God that His word says that He is not the author of confusion. Everything that God had ever whispered to my heart came true. God had told me that I would go over seas before I turned 25 and although it seemed like it wouldn't happen it did! I went to England 3 months before my 25Th birthday. God had told me I would teach Spanish at the bible college the next school year and sure enough that Summer I got a call asking me to teach. God had told me that I was going to be at Bible College till May of 2005 and although I lost some of my financing and came inches to leaving the school, God came through and I stayed. There were all these promises and God stayed true to His word so I was holding God to this promise just the same.

He got married. Talk about feeling like someone just punched you in the stomach knocking the wind right out of you. It was over. My dream that I had waited for so long to happen didn't happen to me it happened to someone else. I felt like God had failed me. I know the bible says that God can't fail so I didn't understand. I had lived for God almost my entire life but never had my faith been shaken to its very core the way it did that day. I began to doubt every promise and every dream I had felt God had given me. I wanted to run. I wanted to go to get on a plane and go half way around the world and start my life over. I wanted to disappear. What was I going to do? What was next for my life? For the first time when I thought of my future all I saw was this big empty black hole.

I talked to my friend from Bible College and I told her I needed to get away. I wish it really had been half way around the world but instead I drove 4 hours to Las Cruces, New Mexico. I didn't have anything left. All I had was a ministry that God had given me and I needed to know if that still existed or if it was dead like my dream of marriage. I had to get peace from God or I felt if I didn’t I would just burst.

When I was 13 years old I felt like God had told me that one day I was going to be a speaker at ladies conference. I had written a book about my life called Famous In Battle a few years back and with it came opportunities to speak at churches. Every time I would sing, play the piano, and minister with my testimony I felt like I was in the will of God. I hadn't spoken at a church for five year since I had left Bible College. It was something that sort of died when I came home to Arizona but I still felt it was there. With all that had happened I needed to be reminded that God still had a plan for my life. That even though my heart was hanging on to life-support that God was still going to use me.

So here was I was scared out of my mind on a Sunday morning at a church I had never been too. My mom had insisted on coming with me because my friend had bailed on me at the last minute. The first song during the song service was You Have Turned My Morning Into Dancing. I felt for a second that God had whispered into my ear that my heart would not always be broken. Some tears formed in my eyes as I felt a warmth come over me and my nervousness melted away. Then the pastor announced for me to come up and speak. I took the microphone and I began to read my scripture in Corinthians about the thorn in Paul's side and how the Lord said, "My grace is sufficient for thee and made perfect in your weakness." I told how a car hit me at age 3 and how God used that accident to bring my family to church. I told them how God had been good to me and about all the things in ministry I was involved in. I told them that I had learned to be content in whatsoever state I am in. I told them that this life is only temporary that even if I never walk again that one-day I will walk on streets of God. Then I sang my song In the Presence of Jehovah and I could see the tears in my mom’s eyes as she saw me minister in a way she had never seen me before. After I was done the preacher preached and mentioned how that what I had spoken was so line with his message that morning. Then something came alive in me. It was Hope. I had just unleashed all of my hopes and dreams in a cold casket and had laid them to rest beneath 6ft of dirt. But then suddenly if I focused hard enough I could hear a heart beat. My ministry was still alive and for that I was eternally thankful. Although I still came home to Arizona as single as I've ever been I held inside me something more important. God had begun to restore my faith. God had reminded me that it wasn't over and that my life had purpose. Before that day my mortal mind could not even fathom the possibility that one day my heart would be made whole again. I felt as though I would live the rest of my life feeling broken and undone inside.
The truth is I may never understand why I didn't marry the man I identified for years as my soul mate. It still doesn't really make sense to me but I know that God has His reasons and He knows the future. I suppose that's all I really need to know!

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