December 1st

Its really here... the month of December, it brings up emotions and baggage that I try so hard to keep hidden during the rest of the year. This is when it all comes out, the memories of the tradgety that distorted my life 25 years ago, the death of my grandmother, the stabbing and shooting of two of my cousins, the assault of someone close to me, and the many times I spent in the emergency room because of a chronic illness. I suppose I should be over it, I suppose I should have excepted a long time ago that this in fact is the reality of my life. Yet its still gets me every year like a bad rash that keeps coming back. Don't get me wrong I have the most amazing life and family. God has blessed me more that I could have imagined. Its just that as long as we live on this earth we will always have our issues and always have our sad days.

Sunday morning it took a lot of strength to keep myself from breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably as my Pastor preached. He was talking about how the lady with the issue of blood was healed on the way to healing Jarius' daughter. Jarius was probably getting impatient feeling like his daughters sickness was more important and that Jesus was taking his time making his way to his house. Yet the Lord knew exactly was he was doing and in His own time He found His way to that 12 year old girl who was now dead and breathed life back into her. Isn't that just how we are? We see everyone else getting their answer, everyone else gets their ministry and their blessing. Why can't Jesus just stop taking His time and touch my life? The clock is ticking and I'm not getting any younger. It doesnt make sense most of the time. No, I'm not talking about my healing. Not that I dont believe God can't heal my body after 25 years but I'm talking about the healing of my heart and Spirit. The ministry and purpose that I want so desperatly for God to allow to finally fall into place. I know God has His own time frame and His own way. Our thoughts are not His thoughts and our ways not His ways as the scripture in Isaiah reads.

Its going to be hard but I'm going to get through December. It may not be till after January but God is going to help me be okay!