Monday, August 23, 2010
How Could I Have Ever Doubted the Lord?
This past New Years Eve was the first time I did not write a long list of aspirations and goals I wanted to see come to pass. I have to admit to you I wasnt looking forward to the year 2010 because I knew this would be the year that my heart would be broken. The only thing that I told God that I wanted on New Years Eve 2011 was to still be sane and to still be in church. Those seemed like very simple request but knowing what I would face it wasnt.
If you read my post What Broke My Heart you would understand some of what I was talking about. My youngest brother moved out this year and in July I turned 30 years old. I also realized that I had no prospects of marriage. The one person I thought I would marry, married someone else. So here I was, standing still as everything and everyone around me passed me by. I had so many promises from God but I was doubting that any of them would ever happen. My faith had been dashed to the ground and I didnt have a future ahead. I was deeply depressed wondering why on earth I was even alive. What purpose did my existance serve? Yes, I was invovled in so many things at church and trying to be a blessing but I was not doing what God had called Me to do. I had put my ministry of writing and speaking on the back burner because I was waiting on God and it seemed God had forgotten about me.
I had started writing my book again. I wasnt sure what else to do so in the midnight and morning hours I poured everything I had into the sequel to my first book Famous In Battle. I vented all of my anguish into this project that I felt was my last hope. I wanted to run away and I knew the only way I could do that was if I had the money from selling these books to do so. When I was done I tried setting appointments with my pastor but we kept missing each other. He was gone 3 weeks and after I sent the book to the printer I finally made my way to see him in his office.
When I left I felt 100% lighter. It was decided that I was going to travel to local churches to minister when my book came out and that I would speak briefly about my book at Daughters of Zion Conference at our church in October. I am also going to be going overseas next year to the country of Spain to help teach music. These are some of the things I have always dreamed about doing!!!
It was hard for me to believe that everything that I had ever prayed for would soon be coming true. When I was in England 5 years ago I felt like God had called me to Spain. I wasnt sure how or when it would happen but it appears that timing is everything. The promise God gave me is going to come to pass. I had always wanted to minister with my testimony to local churches and as soon as my book comes out in 3 weeks I will be doing just that. I am so excited and can not believe that one conversation could change my life so much.
I figured I would always feel as if my heart would be broken but now I understand once again that God can stop the storm in an instant and declare "Peace Be Still" I have said over and over again to myself, "How could I have ever doubted the Lord?" Just when I thought it was over, God showed me it was just the beginning!!
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11